In the first years of marriage, my wife and I had a recurring conversation. We’d each come home after a long day’s work. She’d ask me how my day was, and I’d say “Great.” Being a thoughtful young husband, I’d ask her how her day was, and she’d launch into a detailed narrative. I would happily listen and when the narrative paused, offer my suggestions and solutions to the problems she’d described. Sometimes her response was appreciative, often it was slightly irritated, but usually she was frustrated to the point of tears because I “wasn’t listening.”
It took a while, but I finally learned that she wasn’t sharing her day with me so that I could solve her problems or offer advice. She was more than capable of dealing with the office politics and technicalities of her job. She was rehearsing the day with me so that I could understand what she’d experienced and be with her in the feelings those experiences had provoked. Having been apart all day, she was inviting me back into her life. In quickly offering solutions and advice, I was effectively ignoring her and focusing on her job. No wonder she was frustrated with me!
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