“Only Counsel the Person in the Room” Does Not Mean “Only Focus on Their Sin”

One of the “adages” or sayings or principles in biblical counseling is, “only counsel the person in the room.” For example, if you’re counseling a husband and he’s focused on all the ways his wife has failed him, a biblical counselor might say:

“While we’re sorry for all the pain you’re going through with your wife; she’s not here so we can’t counsel her. But you are here; so let’s counsel you.”

In itself, that can make sense. It’s logical. So what problems might develop from that approach?

If All You Have Is a Hammer…

You’ve heard the saying, “If all you have is a hammer, then everything looks like a nail.”

The idea: if we’re not careful, we can end up looking at life only through one predominant lens.

If All You Have Is Nouthetic Confrontation of Sin…

In a similar way, we might say, “If all you have is nouthetic confrontation, then every counselee looks like a sinner.”

Take the husband we mentioned a moment ago. While we can’t counsel his wife since she’s not in the room, what we often do then is seek to expose the speck or log in his eye.

“While your wife may be sinning against you, she’s not here, so we can’t look at the log or speck in her eye. But you are here. So let’s look at any ways you may be sinning against her…”

That can sound like the wise approach, but let’s change the scenario to a wife with an abusive husband.

“While your husband may be abusing you, he’s not here, so we can’t look at the log of abuse in his life. But you are here. So let’s look at any possible specks in your eye—any ways you may be sinning against him, maybe even provoking him.”

Hopefully, we see the absurdity of that approach.

The “log and speck” is not the only verse in the Bible. Remember, “If all you have is a hammer…” And remember, “If all you have is a log and speck verse…”

In abusive relationships, wisdom requires that we apply the right biblical principles to the current situation.

The protection of a victim—a huge biblical category—would be once such principle.
The confrontation of the abusive sinner (in this case the husband)—a huge biblical category—would be another biblical principle.
The compassionate, comforting care for the abused sufferer (in this case the wife)—a huge biblical category—would be another principle.

If All You Have Is Fixing Feelings…

So, perhaps we correct that myopic, one-lens approach where every counselee is a sinner and every counseling session is about confronting sin.

And perhaps we now see this abused wife as a sufferer. And hopefully we have provided crisis care that protects her, confronts her abusive husband, involves the appropriate authorities, and much more.

What now? What does ongoing caring counseling look like for this suffering wife?

In biblical counseling, our predominant lens for counseling the sufferer is often to apply biblical principles. That’s great—if we apply the fitting biblical principles in a way that fits and matches the unique person and their specific situation with the right timing and compassionate care. That’s the essence of Ephesians 4:29—that our biblical interactions with others fit their unique need of the moment.

But there’s a narrow approach we sometimes have in biblical counseling of sufferers—we focus almost exclusively on “suffering well.” Sadly, what we often mean by suffering well is “fixing feelings.” Or, perhaps even worse, what we often mean by suffering well is “stop feeling!”

There are biblical principles about emotional responses to life. But they can’t be summarized by “fixing feelings” or “stopping feelings.” The opposite is actually the case.

There are a myriad of biblical principles that can apply to a suffering, abused wife. Some would include lingering listening with compassion. Some would include empathizing with the pain and fear she feels. Some would include inviting grieving and lament as we help her to cling to her “Father of compassion and God of all comfort.”

You see, “fixing feelings” is still more of the same—more of looking at counselees predominantly through the lens of a sinner who needs to be nouthetically fixed. But what about the biblical lens of parakaletic care—of comforting the suffering? (Parakaletic is the ministry of coming along side to offer compassionate care.)

We really can get stuck in biblical counseling with this one-lens-approach that everything is a hammer—every counselee is only a sinner to be confronted or fixed. We must expand our biblical lens to see a counselee also as suffering soul who needs us to offer them a taste of the Trinity’s parakaletic care.

Help for the Hurting

One brief blog post can’t address every aspect of ministering to the suffering. Hopefully we’ve at least opened our eyes to the reality that biblical counseling involves more than the one lens of nouthetic confrontation of sinners.

For more robust input on comprehensive and compassionate ministry to saints who face suffering and battle besetting sins on our sanctification journey, you might consider: